It Has Arrived....Finally!

Last Thursday I was getting ready for work when I suddenly began shaking and felt weak. I sat down on my futon, and without warning a serge of heat ran through my body and out the top of my head. My hair got damp with sweat and then cool due to the perspiration, but it was strictly at my roots. It was one of the weirdest things I've felt in a very long time. I know you that have experienced this know exactly what I just had but for those of you that don't; it was my first hot flash; marking the entrance into menopause. I say YAHOO! I have been waiting for this since I started my period at the tender age of 12 or 13. I truly hated having a monthly bother to my life. I was a tomboy, and these monthly episodes robbed me of my athletic abilities (what little I possessed), made me moody beyond comprehension, and I felt physically miserable to boot; not to mention the messiness of it all.

Now at 12 or 13 I thought I'd have children so I endured. Then when I reached 35, and I had been divorced for nearly 10 years, and there were no real prospects of a serious relationship my period really became intrusive to me. I felt that I was never going to really utilize my eggs, ovaries, or uterus for anything, and I really became resentful of my damn menstrual cycle. If I were never going to really use it then I didn't want to be bothered by it anymore. I remained hopeful that I'd have children but at 40 I no longer wanted children. I know how hard kids are, and let's face it, I became selfish in my old age and I didn't want to be nearly 60 at my first child's high school graduation. Now for 6 years I've really been waiting for signs of menopause. Menopause would indicate that my monthly "visitor" would stop coming by to say hello. Hell I've already started growing hair on my face (I've actually thought about joining a freak show as the bearded lady) so let's get this thing over with. Let menopause begin so these ovaries can dry up, and I no longer have to be at the mercy of tampons, pads, or panty liners (maybe the liners have to stay, but that's another essay).

I say toast menopause! Our lives (set by society norms) as women, are: 1) Learn to be adorable little girls with cute charming ways (I failed here), 2) Learn to be attractive so that we can find a partner and reproduce, 3) Reproduce whether you choose to do it traditionally with or without a companion, 4) be mothers, and finally 5) Go through menopause. Which means our bellies will get thick, we will grow beards, age will give us wrinkles and it is time to PAR-TAE! Eat, drink and be merry because being gorgeous is for the young, and the minute you have to struggle to be beautiful, and spend an exponential amount of money on beauty products and the gym really means you should take all that money plus the money you save from not purchasing feminine hygiene products, and purchase and eat cake! Lots and lots of cake. Whatever you enjoy doing; do it with vim and vigor! I love eating! I love NOT working out! I love and adore watching television. I'm not a big lover of alcohol but I like to imbibe now and then. Plus if you are able to maintain your libido go, go, go! You no longer have to worry about pregnancy! I'm not advocating unsafe sex but if you know your partner then you don't have to worry about birth control…another something to save money on that you can put to your cake purchases!
Ladies, go fearlessly and vibrantly into "that goodnight"! Here's to menopause (visualize that I'm raising my cake and toasting the computer screen). Life is just beginning!